As long as I can remember, I've never been either excited or bothered by birthdays. But my birthday is a week before Christmas, so it's usually a pretty good time since friends were always around for the holidays and it was always a great excuse to get together and be merry with a handful of friends.

This year - last week - I turned 50. And I was honestly not prepared for how that would make me feel. It made me feel completely miserable. This was a shock to me. I remember even just last year laughing off being 'almost 50' and even being wished a "Happy 50th!!" by a friend who did got his maths wrong. 

But for whatever reason, it hit me hard.

Despite not feeling anywhere near how society seems to think I should feel, there was a weird feeling that I should feel old. 

Despite knowing that, by many accounts, I've achieved a bunch of things, I know that I'm nowhere near being close to having achieved all the things I need to achieve in my life.

kinda tried to fight it, but I also kinda knew that I needed to process it. So I gave myself permission to be a bit fed-up for the day.

But that was a week ago, and now I'm feeling more determined than ever to not let some weird social notions about age dictate how I feel about myself. A bit of a jolt to the system never hurts, and it resulted in some introspection, acted as a little reminder that we're not on this planet forever, and an affirmation that I should continue doing my thing and not live by the rules of someone else's game.

So, hello, 50s. I'm ready for ya.